Today I wish for a different me

Today I wish I were more “normal”.

That I were somewhere in life with some sort of stability, maybe a home to live in with furniture I’ve gathered over the years with a loved one.

I wish I had met someone along the way who wanted to build a life with me and were kind and supportive.

I wish I had a career that spoke for itself, one where I could just say what I do and people would get it.

I wish I could easily pay rent and plan for holidays after finding a beautiful cardigan and a new book.

I wish I would talk about what I believe in and I wouldn’t be the weird one.

I wish I wouldn’t judge myself or wish for another me.

I wish my eyes were more straight so I would never think twice when looking into someone’s eyes and wonder if maybe that’s something they’ll see.

I wish my skin was healed from a mysterious bacteria from Tokyo that hasn’t quite left yet five years later.

I wish that I were going on dates with someone who wanted to open emotionally with me and see what patience and communication could bring over time.

I wish I lived in a place that feels home.

I wish I could just call my family or “go home” and there I could relax.

I wish I could talk about family with someone and say how close we are and how important family is for me.

I wish I could say how important family is for me, and I would be talking about people who’ve been around for most of my life.

I wish my closest friends lived in the same country and city as I do.

I wish I had more friends.

I wish I lived in Munich, lived the life that I had started building.

I wish I still enjoyed getting drunk and socialising over alcohol.

I wish I didn’t have all these little knowing moments, feeling the energy and to be able to compromise on it.

I wish I could still work hard for something I don’t feel good about and take on my previous job so I would have more money.

I wish I had never had any health issues.

I wish I hadn’t gone through trauma.

I wish I had the money I spent on healing to spend on enjoyment.

I wish I could feel faster when it’s a ‘no’ and just say it.

I wish I didn’t change my mind or feel overwhelmed.

I wish I felt less.

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Today I wish to be someone else.

And today I’m holding space for this version of me, who doesn’t wish to be herself.

I need a big big hug, a big cry and to be seen exactly like this.

There’s nothing wrong with me.

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Dear me,

You’re allowed to feel.

You’re allowed to wish.

And when you’re ready, I’d like to tell you about this person you don’t wish to be today. I think you’ll like her.

With all my heart,

Laurène